Quotes

Michael Scott

“I’m not a bad guy, I am a good guy, who just, hits women with his car.” Season 4, “Fun Run”

“When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn’t so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn’t wanna have kids? Who had is reversed back! Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo, to fill will children!” Season 4, “Dinner Party”

“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl, so I’m wise and have worms.” Season 1, “Office Olympics”

“Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, you – that would be chaos.” Season 2, “Michael’s Birthday”

“Nah. Just poopin’. You know how I be.” Season 6, “Murder”

Jim Halpert 

“Wait… if this job is in a well, I don’t want it.” Season 3, “Beach Games”

“Oh I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight.” Season 4, “Money”

“I don’t really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her.” Season 5, “Weight Loss”

“Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There’s just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.” Season 3, “Traveling Salesmen”

Dwight Schrute 

“You know what, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places bobble head on desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!” Season 3, “Product Recall”

“Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But–” Season 6, “Koi Pond”

“Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.” Season 5, “Lecture Circuit: Part 1”

“I saw Wedding Crashers, accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour I figured I was in the wrong theatre but I kept waiting. That’s the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.” Season 3, “Phyllis’ Wedding”

Pam Beasley – Halpert

“I worked until about 2:45am. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael, editing in his office, and Dwight, watching Michael editing in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide.” Season 4, “Local Ad”

“They have new phone systems now, that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting. Basically ninety-five percent of my job. But I’d like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [long pause] Vending machine”  Season 5, “Blood Drive”

“Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that” Season 2, “Drug Testing”

“I saw it. I saw it and it was amazing. Who said I didn’t see it? Did Jim say that I didn’t see it? I saw it!” Season 4, “Launch Party”

Angela Kinsley – Martin

“I have a nice comforter, a few cozy pillows, I usually read a chapter of a book and it’s lights out by 8:30. THAT’S HOW I SLEEP AT NIGHT.” Season 5, “Weight Loss”

“I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.” Season 5, “Moroccan Christmas”

Andy Bernard

“Whoa whoa. I think if he was sexist, I’d be able to tell. I took a crap load of women’s studies courses at Cornell and I wrote my own companion piece to The Vagina Monologues called The Penis Apologies, so I think I know a thing or two.” Season 7, “The Inner Circle”

“Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they are unfair.” Season 5, “Weight Loss: Part 1”

Kelly Kapoor

“Well, you know what my middle name is? Rajnigandha. And I hate it. I hate it!” Season 5, “Michael Scott Paper Company” 

“Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I’ve ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?” Season 4, “Money”

Kevin Malone

“Oh, I got it, you guys, how ’bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, ‘why I oughta’, and the girls are like, ‘let’s go shopping!’.” Season 7, “Classy Christmas”

Who’s been saying there’s another person inside of me, working me with controls!?” Season 6, “Gossip”

“The peeing is fast, Oscar. It’s getting my tie back on.” Season 6, “Niagara”

Oscar Martinez

“I consider myself a good person. But I’m going to try to make him cry.” Season 5, “Stress Relief”

“I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope! Maybe I’ll have one of my own someday. But I dream… so…” Season 5, “Two Weeks”

Toby Flenderson

“I don’t think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that, wow. Genius.” Season 3, “The Negotiation”

“Michael’s like a movie on a plane. You know it’s not great but it’s something to watch. And then when it’s over, you’re like, how much time is left on this flight. You know, now what?” Season 5, “Two Weeks”

Stanley Hudson

“The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns” Season 3, “The Job”

“Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.” Season 7, “WUPHF.com”

Darryl Philbin

“I taught Mike some phrases to help him with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, “Fleece it out.” “Going mach five.” “Dinkin flicka.” You know, things us Negroes say.” Season 2, “Casino Night”

 “It’s like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It’s getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.” Season 4, “Money”

Erin Hannon

“Take it up with the chief of police.” Season 6, “Secretary’s Day”

“Planking is one of those things where, hey, you either get it or you don’t. And I don’t, but I am excited to be a part of it.” Season 8, “The List”

Ryan Howard

“If you bring your boss to class it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So, I’d be stupid not to do it… right?” Season 3, “Business School”

“A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience, of what happened.” Season 3, “Grief Counseling”

“Ever since I’ve gotten clean there’s something about fresh morning air that… just really makes me sick.” Season 5, “Broke”

Creed Bratton

“If I can’t scuba then what’s this all been about?? What am I working toward?” Season 2, “Drug Testing”

“If that’s flashing then lock me up.” Season 3, “Women’s Appreciation”

“The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did, when I was a homeless man.” Season 3, “Product Recall”

Phyllis Lapin – Vance

“Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.” Season 3, “The Return”

“This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is “Nights in Morocco.” This isn’t your grandmother’s Christmas party. Unless of course she’s from Morocco, in which case it’s very accurate.” Season 5, “Moroccan Christmas”

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